Thursday, June 4, 2009

I'm starting another fast. I think I'll try something new this time. Every other day, I'll have a small meal. I didn't eat anything today. Tomorrow I will have a banana shake (banana and 3/4 cup of milk, a tsp of vanilla and 2 ice cubes in a blender) before work, then I will brush my teeth and not eat anything else for the rest of the day (brushing my teeth right after I eat always helps me not get cravings etc.). Saturday I will try not to eat, but if I feel like I really need something I'll have 2-3 hardboiled eggs and some grapes.

I've been really down lately. I feel gigantic and ugly. When people look at me sometimes I feel like I should apologize for how awful I look. For example, today I ran into this guy I met a few months ago. He's from around here, but he was visiting some mutual friends at my college when I met him. He was super cute and he liked me and even tried to kiss me at one point, but I've been crushing on my current crush for over a year now and wasn't interested. But just because I'm not interested doesn't mean I don't want him to still want me. I know that's awful but it's how I feel; I can't help it. I want to be beautiful and desirable to every guy I meet, whether or not I have any interest in him.

Anyway, I've been sick for the past few days, so I didn't really put all that much effort into looking my best this morning when I got ready for work. So it just figures I'd run into him at the bank, looking like shit. I was wearing my glasses (which I NEVER do), some random comfy hoodie, and minimal makeup. My hair wasn't even done, and I had just stepped in from the rain. I looked and felt like complete shit. And as soon as he came up to me, all I wanted to do was to just be like 'I don't usually look like this! Please don't think I'm hideous!' but w/e. I'll probably never see him again and he's probably thanking his lucky stars right now that he didn't hook up with me months ago, just because I looked like such shit today. Ugh.

I just want to be skinny. I wish so much that it was easier.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Had an awesome time while my crush was here, but he was all about going out to eat and getting munchies etc., so I ended up eating pretty 'normally' for a few days. Gained three pounds. I basically hate myself. I feel like a hippo. But I've been really good since he left. He comes home for three weeks the 20th, so by then I really really want to lose like ten pounds, but I don't know if that's reasonable or not. I can try! I haven't been fasting, but I've been really restricting, eating only vegetables, fruits, hardboiled eggs, water and iced tea. I feel pretty disgusting. I really need to get the fuck back on track for real. I need this. I need to be skinny skinny!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Just came off day 4 of my fast...the worst/best thing that could have happened has happened. My crush came home today as a surprise for his sister's graduation party, and he wants me to go!!! It's a big family thing and I want to look nice, so I'm glad I've been fasting. I'm allowing myself a little binge day today...there's going to be food at the party and I know his family will expect me to eat. I'm not too worried about it though. I've done awesome these past few days and have been feeling great!!! I can't wait to start another fast tomorrow!


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ugh so basically I just wrote a whole post and then it got deleted oops. Recap: I'm on day 2 of a fast and feeling great. I'm shooting for 3 days, I guess, and then I'll see how far I'll go after that. I might have some soup or some fruit or something Saturday or tomorrow night, then I hope to fast for at least another day or two. If I can keep that up for a few weeks, I'm hoping to reach my first GW in a month! (Also my crush gets home from college in almost exactly a month sooo I want to be cute!) Wish me luck!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

So I just got a super sucky haircut. Pretty pissed. Wtf. Hope it grows fast.

Plans for today: I might have a banana shake (1 banana, 1/2 cup reduced fat milk, 1 tsp vanilla, 2 ice cubes). Lots of water. No mas.

In other news, I've gone down a pant size. But I can't even be excited about it right now. My super awful hair pretty much ruined my day, and I'm probably not even going to get over it until it's grown out some. Ugh. I feel like shit. And I'm not being dramatic really is awful. I even fucking SHOWED the girl who did my hair a picture of what I wanted. But she basically just chopped off my already short hair and fluffed it with a blowdryer. Ugh.

Also, now that it's shorter, it makes me want to be way way thinner even more. Idk, I've always felt like only really really skinny pretty people can pull off real short haircuts. And I am neither of those...but at least I can work on one of them, right? My current goal is to lose 5-10 pounds in like a month. Doable, right??? I hope so. If I basically just don't eat for the next 4 weeks I'll be good. No prob!!!

Anyway. Peace and love!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Why can't I just be beautiful??? Life like this is just too cruel.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ugh. I've been so awful. I really want to fast but I keep screwing up. I haven't been overeating but I HAVE still been eating SOMEthing every day...and I feel so awful and disgusting. Every time I get high and get the munchies, I end up having like 2 hard boiled eggs or a slice of lunchmeat or like some random shit. It's never too too much and it's always something healthy, but still. I need to be stronger.

So I spent last night drinking and smoking with two friends, both of whom are guys. Because they're guys, they always make random fat jokes to each other about whoever, whether they're actually fat or actually skinny (for example there's this one really tall skinny guy we know that we call "The Fat Kid") and sometimes it's about me. It's all in good fun or whatever, and I guess I know that. Guys are like that. But I can't help but feel that if I was skinny enough, they wouldn't even be able to joke. Like, I don't know, I worry that they really do think I'm fat. Maybe they do. Guys are so confusing! At one point my one friend made some joke about my ass being big or w/e and then was like, "But no seriously my brother told me he thinks you got crazy crack-whore skinny since last time we saw you". Last time we all hung out was spring break, and I do think I've lost weight since then, but not that much (never enough!). So I don't even know what to make of that. Plus, we were all really really drunk. So ugh, idk. I just need to be way thinner.

In other news, I finally got a job! It's at Subway (shoot me now). I'm hoping being on my feet and moving around at work will inspire me to really crack down and lose weight, since my summer routine so far has been sleep till noon, couch surf till my parents go to bed, and then out to party. But working around so much food might suck. Idk. I just can't wait to start working so I can finally have some money in my pockets!!! I want to get so skinny and buy all kinds of clothes. I say this EVERY summer, but THIS summer really will be the summer I finally get skinny enough to bare some skin!


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Yesterday was so awful. And today I had cereal and a banana. I cut up the banana in the bowl and only had just enough cereal to finish the banana, but still. That's got to be like 500 cals or some shit...I don't even know. I fed the rest of my cereal to my dog, which is good because now my mom thinks I had a 'normal' breakfast so hopefully she won't bother me about food for the rest of the day.

Still, I feel like shit. I haven't been hungry since yesterday. I miss my hunger! I hate being full. I hate myself.

I plan on drinking lots of water and possibly having a glass of tea later, and NOT EATING ANYTHING ELSE. I'm also hoping to get shitfaced later tonight with some old friends. I know alcohol has calories, but I need it! Alcohol is the one source of calories that I will never refuse. I never drink beer, cuz that's just stupid (all those calories and you have to drink like TWO to even feel anything...althought I guess that's just cuz I'm so fat). Rum is my savior!!!

Stay strong <3

Saturday, May 2, 2009

First Post

So. Blogness. Hm. I've never had a blog before and I'm not sure what it's all about. I don't even know if anyone out there is going to want to read my thoughts!

About me: Im 19. I live in the middle of nowhere. I recently failed out of the University of Pittsburgh due to...issues. Those are the basics.

When I was fifteen, I stopped eating. I was doing great until I got 'found out' between 16 and 18 I ate pretty much 'normally'. Now that everyone seems to have forgotten and moved on, I'm falling into some of my old habits.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to use this blog to advertise ED's or anything. They suck. They're bad for you. Plus, I don't really think I'm 'anorexic', since I usually eat something every day, even if it's only a handful of grapes or a banana or some baby carrots. I think what I'm really looking for is support from other girls (or guys) that have chosen this kind of lifestyle. It's hard staying strong when I have no one to talk to about these things. I guess I'm lonely.

So yeah. That's that. Now onto the meaty stuff.

I've been so good the past two or three weeks. I've lost 5-10 pounds so far and have been feeling amazing. None of my pants are fitting, my shirts look better on me, and I've noticed more ribbone and hipbone happening. I'm 5'3, so my GW is about 100-110. I think that's reasonable, don't you? I feel like 110 is a goal I can reach by June, hopefully...gotta get skinny for summer! I've been thinking about staying with my sister at her house at the beach this summer, and I want to be thin thin thin so I can wear cute clothes and lay out and meet guys etc. But then today was so so bad.

It started when my folks had me go pick them up some subs. Of course I had to get one too or they would have noticed. I got a small and split it in half, figuring that I would treat myself and eat about a quarter of it today and nothing else. Plus I always get boring subs with only turkey, lettuce, tomato, american cheese, and mayo. I thought I'd be okay, but I was wrong. As soon as I ate that, I knew I shouldn't have. I started craving everything! Then I baked cookies, and I had like 2, then I had some potato chips. And TWO glasses of sweet green tea. What's wrong with me!? I completely binged today. I'm so upset. I'm hoping this doesn't ruin everything I've accomplished so far. Tomorrow I plan on eating as little as possible and keeping myself really active...maybe I'll clean the bathroom or something. I can't believe I slipped up like this. I would purge, but I have zero gag reflex. A toothbrush down my throat does nothing but scratch up my throat and make me bleed.

Ugh. I feel like such shit. I hate feeling full. It's the worst feeling in the world. I miss my hunger already. But tomorrow will be better. This will not happen again! At least not for a long time!

So I guess that's enough ranting for now. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I would really love some support, so I'm hoping someone trips over it!

I'll leave off with some of my favorite thinspo: skinny scene girls! Stay strong everyone <3