Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ugh. I've been so awful. I really want to fast but I keep screwing up. I haven't been overeating but I HAVE still been eating SOMEthing every day...and I feel so awful and disgusting. Every time I get high and get the munchies, I end up having like 2 hard boiled eggs or a slice of lunchmeat or like some random shit. It's never too too much and it's always something healthy, but still. I need to be stronger.

So I spent last night drinking and smoking with two friends, both of whom are guys. Because they're guys, they always make random fat jokes to each other about whoever, whether they're actually fat or actually skinny (for example there's this one really tall skinny guy we know that we call "The Fat Kid") and sometimes it's about me. It's all in good fun or whatever, and I guess I know that. Guys are like that. But I can't help but feel that if I was skinny enough, they wouldn't even be able to joke. Like, I don't know, I worry that they really do think I'm fat. Maybe they do. Guys are so confusing! At one point my one friend made some joke about my ass being big or w/e and then was like, "But no seriously my brother told me he thinks you got crazy crack-whore skinny since last time we saw you". Last time we all hung out was spring break, and I do think I've lost weight since then, but not that much (never enough!). So I don't even know what to make of that. Plus, we were all really really drunk. So ugh, idk. I just need to be way thinner.

In other news, I finally got a job! It's at Subway (shoot me now). I'm hoping being on my feet and moving around at work will inspire me to really crack down and lose weight, since my summer routine so far has been sleep till noon, couch surf till my parents go to bed, and then out to party. But working around so much food might suck. Idk. I just can't wait to start working so I can finally have some money in my pockets!!! I want to get so skinny and buy all kinds of clothes. I say this EVERY summer, but THIS summer really will be the summer I finally get skinny enough to bare some skin!


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