Saturday, May 2, 2009

First Post

So. Blogness. Hm. I've never had a blog before and I'm not sure what it's all about. I don't even know if anyone out there is going to want to read my thoughts!

About me: Im 19. I live in the middle of nowhere. I recently failed out of the University of Pittsburgh due to...issues. Those are the basics.

When I was fifteen, I stopped eating. I was doing great until I got 'found out' between 16 and 18 I ate pretty much 'normally'. Now that everyone seems to have forgotten and moved on, I'm falling into some of my old habits.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to use this blog to advertise ED's or anything. They suck. They're bad for you. Plus, I don't really think I'm 'anorexic', since I usually eat something every day, even if it's only a handful of grapes or a banana or some baby carrots. I think what I'm really looking for is support from other girls (or guys) that have chosen this kind of lifestyle. It's hard staying strong when I have no one to talk to about these things. I guess I'm lonely.

So yeah. That's that. Now onto the meaty stuff.

I've been so good the past two or three weeks. I've lost 5-10 pounds so far and have been feeling amazing. None of my pants are fitting, my shirts look better on me, and I've noticed more ribbone and hipbone happening. I'm 5'3, so my GW is about 100-110. I think that's reasonable, don't you? I feel like 110 is a goal I can reach by June, hopefully...gotta get skinny for summer! I've been thinking about staying with my sister at her house at the beach this summer, and I want to be thin thin thin so I can wear cute clothes and lay out and meet guys etc. But then today was so so bad.

It started when my folks had me go pick them up some subs. Of course I had to get one too or they would have noticed. I got a small and split it in half, figuring that I would treat myself and eat about a quarter of it today and nothing else. Plus I always get boring subs with only turkey, lettuce, tomato, american cheese, and mayo. I thought I'd be okay, but I was wrong. As soon as I ate that, I knew I shouldn't have. I started craving everything! Then I baked cookies, and I had like 2, then I had some potato chips. And TWO glasses of sweet green tea. What's wrong with me!? I completely binged today. I'm so upset. I'm hoping this doesn't ruin everything I've accomplished so far. Tomorrow I plan on eating as little as possible and keeping myself really active...maybe I'll clean the bathroom or something. I can't believe I slipped up like this. I would purge, but I have zero gag reflex. A toothbrush down my throat does nothing but scratch up my throat and make me bleed.

Ugh. I feel like such shit. I hate feeling full. It's the worst feeling in the world. I miss my hunger already. But tomorrow will be better. This will not happen again! At least not for a long time!

So I guess that's enough ranting for now. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I would really love some support, so I'm hoping someone trips over it!

I'll leave off with some of my favorite thinspo: skinny scene girls! Stay strong everyone <3


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