Monday, April 4, 2011
Months later, here I am again. In the span of time since last post, I've fallen deeply in love with cheap vodka, been date raped, gotten into a new college; gained and lost, gained and lost, gained and lost, in all senses of the phrase. I'm at about 135 now. I'm wrecked; I've hit bottom, I'm pretty sure, but don't remember much of it, thanks to diet Snapple vodka mixes with breakfast, during class, at work etc. Vodka is the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I won't talk about the rape right now. It's still awful to think about, and I've told only my sister and best friend. I am drunk now, and just can't devote the energy to the memory. Even in diet mixers, though, every mix is about a billion empty calories. Right now, I'm on mix #6 of the day...been drinking since breakfast. But I am going to stop. And I am going to get thin again. And I need help. I need support, and I'm sick of the lectures and judgements and the lovely, endless, empty refrain, "but you're not fat! you don't need to lose weight!" Fine! I'm not obese! But I'm not comfortable either! Back the fuck up off my cucumber dinner and keep your comments to yourself! I miss my bones. I miss short-sleeved t-shirts and tight v-neck sweaters. Here it is April; all the beautiful people in my corner of the world are packing away their heavy jackets and pulling out their skirts and sandals and lacey, flowery tank tops. I need to be one of those people. Is that really so terrible? I need help. I've been reading over some of the things I used to follow. I am so jealous of everyone's strength and persistence, even in spite of the negative feedback some of you seem to get from friends, family, even strangers. I am so grateful for this circle of people; I can only hope for advice and support from anyone who may read this. Wish me luck.