Thursday, June 4, 2009

I'm starting another fast. I think I'll try something new this time. Every other day, I'll have a small meal. I didn't eat anything today. Tomorrow I will have a banana shake (banana and 3/4 cup of milk, a tsp of vanilla and 2 ice cubes in a blender) before work, then I will brush my teeth and not eat anything else for the rest of the day (brushing my teeth right after I eat always helps me not get cravings etc.). Saturday I will try not to eat, but if I feel like I really need something I'll have 2-3 hardboiled eggs and some grapes.

I've been really down lately. I feel gigantic and ugly. When people look at me sometimes I feel like I should apologize for how awful I look. For example, today I ran into this guy I met a few months ago. He's from around here, but he was visiting some mutual friends at my college when I met him. He was super cute and he liked me and even tried to kiss me at one point, but I've been crushing on my current crush for over a year now and wasn't interested. But just because I'm not interested doesn't mean I don't want him to still want me. I know that's awful but it's how I feel; I can't help it. I want to be beautiful and desirable to every guy I meet, whether or not I have any interest in him.

Anyway, I've been sick for the past few days, so I didn't really put all that much effort into looking my best this morning when I got ready for work. So it just figures I'd run into him at the bank, looking like shit. I was wearing my glasses (which I NEVER do), some random comfy hoodie, and minimal makeup. My hair wasn't even done, and I had just stepped in from the rain. I looked and felt like complete shit. And as soon as he came up to me, all I wanted to do was to just be like 'I don't usually look like this! Please don't think I'm hideous!' but w/e. I'll probably never see him again and he's probably thanking his lucky stars right now that he didn't hook up with me months ago, just because I looked like such shit today. Ugh.

I just want to be skinny. I wish so much that it was easier.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Had an awesome time while my crush was here, but he was all about going out to eat and getting munchies etc., so I ended up eating pretty 'normally' for a few days. Gained three pounds. I basically hate myself. I feel like a hippo. But I've been really good since he left. He comes home for three weeks the 20th, so by then I really really want to lose like ten pounds, but I don't know if that's reasonable or not. I can try! I haven't been fasting, but I've been really restricting, eating only vegetables, fruits, hardboiled eggs, water and iced tea. I feel pretty disgusting. I really need to get the fuck back on track for real. I need this. I need to be skinny skinny!