I'm starting another fast. I think I'll try something new this time. Every other day, I'll have a small meal. I didn't eat anything today. Tomorrow I will have a banana shake (banana and 3/4 cup of milk, a tsp of vanilla and 2 ice cubes in a blender) before work, then I will brush my teeth and not eat anything else for the rest of the day (brushing my teeth right after I eat always helps me not get cravings etc.). Saturday I will try not to eat, but if I feel like I really need something I'll have 2-3 hardboiled eggs and some grapes.
I've been really down lately. I feel gigantic and ugly. When people look at me sometimes I feel like I should apologize for how awful I look. For example, today I ran into this guy I met a few months ago. He's from around here, but he was visiting some mutual friends at my college when I met him. He was super cute and he liked me and even tried to kiss me at one point, but I've been crushing on my current crush for over a year now and wasn't interested. But just because I'm not interested doesn't mean I don't want him to still want me. I know that's awful but it's how I feel; I can't help it. I want to be beautiful and desirable to every guy I meet, whether or not I have any interest in him.
Anyway, I've been sick for the past few days, so I didn't really put all that much effort into looking my best this morning when I got ready for work. So it just figures I'd run into him at the bank, looking like shit. I was wearing my glasses (which I NEVER do), some random comfy hoodie, and minimal makeup. My hair wasn't even done, and I had just stepped in from the rain. I looked and felt like complete shit. And as soon as he came up to me, all I wanted to do was to just be like 'I don't usually look like this! Please don't think I'm hideous!' but w/e. I'll probably never see him again and he's probably thanking his lucky stars right now that he didn't hook up with me months ago, just because I looked like such shit today. Ugh.
I just want to be skinny. I wish so much that it was easier.