Months later, here I am again. In the span of time since last post, I've fallen deeply in love with cheap vodka, been date raped, gotten into a new college; gained and lost, gained and lost, gained and lost, in all senses of the phrase. I'm at about 135 now. I'm wrecked; I've hit bottom, I'm pretty sure, but don't remember much of it, thanks to diet Snapple vodka mixes with breakfast, during class, at work etc. Vodka is the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I won't talk about the rape right now. It's still awful to think about, and I've told only my sister and best friend. I am drunk now, and just can't devote the energy to the memory. Even in diet mixers, though, every mix is about a billion empty calories. Right now, I'm on mix #6 of the day...been drinking since breakfast. But I am going to stop. And I am going to get thin again. And I need help. I need support, and I'm sick of the lectures and judgements and the lovely, endless, empty refrain, "but you're not fat! you don't need to lose weight!" Fine! I'm not obese! But I'm not comfortable either! Back the fuck up off my cucumber dinner and keep your comments to yourself! I miss my bones. I miss short-sleeved t-shirts and tight v-neck sweaters. Here it is April; all the beautiful people in my corner of the world are packing away their heavy jackets and pulling out their skirts and sandals and lacey, flowery tank tops. I need to be one of those people. Is that really so terrible? I need help. I've been reading over some of the things I used to follow. I am so jealous of everyone's strength and persistence, even in spite of the negative feedback some of you seem to get from friends, family, even strangers. I am so grateful for this circle of people; I can only hope for advice and support from anyone who may read this. Wish me luck.

I'm starting another fast. I think I'll try something new this time. Every other day, I'll have a small meal. I didn't eat anything today. Tomorrow I will have a banana shake (banana and 3/4 cup of milk, a tsp of vanilla and 2 ice cubes in a blender) before work, then I will brush my teeth and not eat anything else for the rest of the day (brushing my teeth right after I eat always helps me not get cravings etc.). Saturday I will try not to eat, but if I feel like I really need something I'll have 2-3 hardboiled eggs and some grapes.

I've been really down lately. I feel gigantic and ugly. When people look at me sometimes I feel like I should apologize for how awful I look. For example, today I ran into this guy I met a few months ago. He's from around here, but he was visiting some mutual friends at my college when I met him. He was super cute and he liked me and even tried to kiss me at one point, but I've been crushing on my current crush for over a year now and wasn't interested. But just because I'm not interested doesn't mean I don't want him to still want me. I know that's awful but it's how I feel; I can't help it. I want to be beautiful and desirable to every guy I meet, whether or not I have any interest in him.

Anyway, I've been sick for the past few days, so I didn't really put all that much effort into looking my best this morning when I got ready for work. So it just figures I'd run into him at the bank, looking like shit. I was wearing my glasses (which I NEVER do), some random comfy hoodie, and minimal makeup. My hair wasn't even done, and I had just stepped in from the rain. I looked and felt like complete shit. And as soon as he came up to me, all I wanted to do was to just be like 'I don't usually look like this! Please don't think I'm hideous!' but w/e. I'll probably never see him again and he's probably thanking his lucky stars right now that he didn't hook up with me months ago, just because I looked like such shit today. Ugh.

I just want to be skinny. I wish so much that it was easier.

Had an awesome time while my crush was here, but he was all about going out to eat and getting munchies etc., so I ended up eating pretty 'normally' for a few days. Gained three pounds. I basically hate myself. I feel like a hippo. But I've been really good since he left. He comes home for three weeks the 20th, so by then I really really want to lose like ten pounds, but I don't know if that's reasonable or not. I can try! I haven't been fasting, but I've been really restricting, eating only vegetables, fruits, hardboiled eggs, water and iced tea. I feel pretty disgusting. I really need to get the fuck back on track for real. I need this. I need to be skinny skinny!

Just came off day 4 of my fast...the worst/best thing that could have happened has happened. My crush came home today as a surprise for his sister's graduation party, and he wants me to go!!! It's a big family thing and I want to look nice, so I'm glad I've been fasting. I'm allowing myself a little binge day today...there's going to be food at the party and I know his family will expect me to eat. I'm not too worried about it though. I've done awesome these past few days and have been feeling great!!! I can't wait to start another fast tomorrow!

<3

Ugh so basically I just wrote a whole post and then it got deleted oops. Recap: I'm on day 2 of a fast and feeling great. I'm shooting for 3 days, I guess, and then I'll see how far I'll go after that. I might have some soup or some fruit or something Saturday or tomorrow night, then I hope to fast for at least another day or two. If I can keep that up for a few weeks, I'm hoping to reach my first GW in a month! (Also my crush gets home from college in almost exactly a month sooo I want to be cute!) Wish me luck!!!

<3

So I just got a super sucky haircut. Pretty pissed. Wtf. Hope it grows fast.

Plans for today: I might have a banana shake (1 banana, 1/2 cup reduced fat milk, 1 tsp vanilla, 2 ice cubes). Lots of water. No mas.

In other news, I've gone down a pant size. But I can't even be excited about it right now. My super awful hair pretty much ruined my day, and I'm probably not even going to get over it until it's grown out some. Ugh. I feel like shit. And I'm not being dramatic either...it really is awful. I even fucking SHOWED the girl who did my hair a picture of what I wanted. But she basically just chopped off my already short hair and fluffed it with a blowdryer. Ugh.

Also, now that it's shorter, it makes me want to be way way thinner even more. Idk, I've always felt like only really really skinny pretty people can pull off real short haircuts. And I am neither of those...but at least I can work on one of them, right? My current goal is to lose 5-10 pounds in like a month. Doable, right??? I hope so. If I basically just don't eat for the next 4 weeks I'll be good. No prob!!!

Anyway. Peace and love!

Why can't I just be beautiful??? Life like this is just too cruel.